(I named this post after a piece by one of my favourite artists, Brett Whiteley. I urge you to check him out, because he is one of the most facinating artists of all time. The late Brett Whiteley, was a sydney based artist, who has explored so many aspects of identity through his pieces. He ended up dyeing of a heroin overdose, but left behind so many amazing pieces. )
I had a psyche appointment last night. I hate the way they just sit there and pretend to care, nodding their head, while i know too well that all they give a shit about is the $200 they will recieve after listening to you blab on for an hour about you're life. Sometimes, they will ask the predictable question "so... how do you feel about that" or "phillipa... do you know why you're here?". I guess thats their job, but really, their empathy is as fake as Lindsay Lohan's breasts. It shits me. Why is it, that every time I visit soebody "to help me", I end up leaving fealing like a circus freak?
Well, I'm on school holidays as of today. Well, not officially, its everybody else's last day at school today, but I took the day off, so that I could work this afternoon. I work at a nursing home. Im training to become a nurse, and this is a good way to start. I do nursing there, but I havnt got any tertiary qualifications yet. The pay is great, but the job is a bit confronting. Pretty much, I have to shower 90 year old women, and clean up their poo. I have decided that I really don't want to live past my used by date. Its so sad seeing bed-bound people, and people who suffer from dimensia, who go lookng for their husbands etc, who happened to pass away years ago. Some of them, who'se partners are alive, cant remember who their parners are. Its so sad to watch. But my job is pretty fulfilling, and it has helped me to mature alot.
NOTE TO READER: *boy troubles- feel free to skip this paragraph, as it may sound petty*
I have a question. Is this unusual? My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 4 months. I always had really strong feelings for him, but never appreciated him as much as i should have. Then, all of a sudden, we were dancing together, and I burst out into tears. I realised I loved him, and it was so sudden. It was so wierd, because on my medication, I usually find it impossible to express any emotion. Then, he went away to newcastle, and I unknowingly took on the role of snooping girlfriend. :S I looked at his myspace comments and found a number of comments from this one girl, saying things such as "You are such a hotty, I so want to rape you" etc etc. I found out this girl has a past with my boyfriend, and It made me all jealous. So I checked out her myspace, and there are similar comments from him to her. I spoke to him about it and said it was just to boost her self esteem, but I may be over-reacting, but I know that if i did that to another guy he would go psycho. He is over-protective and doesn't trust me, so its a bit hipocrytical. I wouldnt have cared earlier, but this past week, I have suddenly grown to love him so much, and I burst into tears every night thinking about him. Im so confused.
*start reading again*
I feel bad. I told nick I had given up smoking, but I had one on Wednesday. I lied to him and said I didnt. Should I admit to stuff like that, knowing he will over-react, or, should I just keep the "what he doesnt know wont hurt him" philosophy. ??
Talking about hiding things, I have been playing down something that happened with an ex. The first week that me and nick started going out, I was obliged to go on a 3 day holiday with my ex. He had already booked tix etc. Nick wasnt happy about this, but I told him he could trust me. I didnt cheat on him, but I did have my ex kiss me on the lips, no tongue, but kind of slow and you know... Its messing with me. It happened a long time ago, and I'm trying to convince myself it didnt happen. I feel terrible. Should I tell nick? He wouldnt dump me, but he would be upset?
This is so trivial... I apologise about that
cheers
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I am going to check out Brett Whiteley. I have never heard of him and am now curious.
Ohhhhh....the psych appointment. They can be very tedious at times, humdrum at times, boring as all get out at times and sometimes you may ask yourself what you're doing there, never mind them asking the question to you!
I have spoken with different counselors/psychologists over the years and I've learned the following:
1) You know when you have a good psychologist/counselor if they really take the time to listen to you and appear to be empathetic.
2) You know they are good when they give you homework to do. You may balk and say HOMEWORK? But, homework is very needed and will help you. Homework could consist of the counselor asking you to go home and write down all of the reasons why you are visiting her/him. It could be to leave the office and do something you talked about during your hour that may be difficult for you to do, but would help in making you more mentally and spiritually healthy because you did it. Homework from psychs come in all shapes and sizes and if they don't give it, you need to ask them for it.
3) Write down the reason why you spend an hour and $200 once a week to listen to....drivel?....enlightened conversation?...exactly what are you getting out of it? What do you want to get out of it? What are your objectives? After you list them, hand over a page to your psych with your expectations so you both can work together in caring for and improving your spirit and mental health.
4) And last BUT NOT LEAST, if the psyche you are seeing isn't doing it for ya, find another. There are plenty out there. And when you find another, you need to interview them and ask questions like: Do you just sit there and listen while writing on a piece of paper and no feedback is given? What is your objective if I start seeing you? Do you have your clients do homework? Do you hold your clients accountable if they don't do their homework? Do you see a counselor or psych? (This is a great question because every good psych has a psych they go to.)
Asking these questions will assist you in weeding out the ones you don't want to waste your time on.
I find it interesting that you work at a nursing home. I worked in a nursing home back when I lived in England and I ABSOLUTELY enjoyed it. I really liked interacting with the older patients and loved taking care of them. I remember there was a lady who HATED taking baths. Her name was Elizabeth and she was known to hit the nurse while being bathed. It was my turn to bathe her one night and everyone was laughing about it because you never knew what to expect with Elizabeth. I remembered that she loved chocolates, so I got the idea and had another nurse fetch the chocolates and she fed Elizabeth the chocolates the whole time I bathed her. Elizabeth was in heaven and was as sweet as a little girl. I will never forget that.
I wish that I could do it again.
On another note, about your boy question. What meds are you taking? I remember taking Effexor and I felt like a zombie with zip for emotions. It was terrible.
I don't think it's strange that you started crying when you realized you love him. It sounds like you had a very genuine feeling that came straight from your heart and nothing can beat that.
I am concerned about you crying every night for him. I have done that myself in the past and I wonder why you are doing it. Is it because you miss him, you are worried about what he is doing, etc? What thoughts are going through your mind when you start crying? What triggers it?
And another thing...your secrets from Nick about cigarettes and your ex. You obviously feel bad about it and want to say something. If you are like me, you want to be honest and so it's killing you if you don't tell him the things he doesn't know. In my opinion, you have to think to yourself: What benefit will be gained by telling him this? I think really the only benefit is that you will feel better because you fessed up and got it off your mind.
Now, this is something that I've been practicing for YEARS because I want to fess up to everything and everyone because I walk around feeling guilty if I don't. But sometimes, the things that I was worrying about were really trivial and no benefit would be gained. I'm sure you learned something from this like don't make the same choices in the future if they happen to arise.
But some things you have to let go.
A person told me something years ago. He said, "Depending on the situation, fessing up and telling the truth can be a really selfish thing to do." I was SHOCKED to hear that to say the least. I asked, "WHY?" He said, "Because you will go to the unsuspecting person and unload everything on them and while they are sitting there trying to take it all in, your load feels more light because you can put your guilt away because you told the secret. So really, when you fess up and say 'I'm sorry', your intention is not to be honest and apologize to the person, your intention is all about yourself and not wanting to feel guilty anymore."
That really made me think.
What do you think? (And no, this isn't homework. lololol)
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