Life, art and the other thing

(I named this post after a piece by one of my favourite artists, Brett Whiteley. I urge you to check him out, because he is one of the most facinating artists of all time. The late Brett Whiteley, was a sydney based artist, who has explored so many aspects of identity through his pieces. He ended up dyeing of a heroin overdose, but left behind so many amazing pieces. )

I had a psyche appointment last night. I hate the way they just sit there and pretend to care, nodding their head, while i know too well that all they give a shit about is the $200 they will recieve after listening to you blab on for an hour about you're life. Sometimes, they will ask the predictable question "so... how do you feel about that" or "phillipa... do you know why you're here?". I guess thats their job, but really, their empathy is as fake as Lindsay Lohan's breasts. It shits me. Why is it, that every time I visit soebody "to help me", I end up leaving fealing like a circus freak?

Well, I'm on school holidays as of today. Well, not officially, its everybody else's last day at school today, but I took the day off, so that I could work this afternoon. I work at a nursing home. Im training to become a nurse, and this is a good way to start. I do nursing there, but I havnt got any tertiary qualifications yet. The pay is great, but the job is a bit confronting. Pretty much, I have to shower 90 year old women, and clean up their poo. I have decided that I really don't want to live past my used by date. Its so sad seeing bed-bound people, and people who suffer from dimensia, who go lookng for their husbands etc, who happened to pass away years ago. Some of them, who'se partners are alive, cant remember who their parners are. Its so sad to watch. But my job is pretty fulfilling, and it has helped me to mature alot.

NOTE TO READER: *boy troubles- feel free to skip this paragraph, as it may sound petty*

I have a question. Is this unusual? My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 4 months. I always had really strong feelings for him, but never appreciated him as much as i should have. Then, all of a sudden, we were dancing together, and I burst out into tears. I realised I loved him, and it was so sudden. It was so wierd, because on my medication, I usually find it impossible to express any emotion. Then, he went away to newcastle, and I unknowingly took on the role of snooping girlfriend. :S I looked at his myspace comments and found a number of comments from this one girl, saying things such as "You are such a hotty, I so want to rape you" etc etc. I found out this girl has a past with my boyfriend, and It made me all jealous. So I checked out her myspace, and there are similar comments from him to her. I spoke to him about it and said it was just to boost her self esteem, but I may be over-reacting, but I know that if i did that to another guy he would go psycho. He is over-protective and doesn't trust me, so its a bit hipocrytical. I wouldnt have cared earlier, but this past week, I have suddenly grown to love him so much, and I burst into tears every night thinking about him. Im so confused.

*start reading again*

I feel bad. I told nick I had given up smoking, but I had one on Wednesday. I lied to him and said I didnt. Should I admit to stuff like that, knowing he will over-react, or, should I just keep the "what he doesnt know wont hurt him" philosophy. ??
Talking about hiding things, I have been playing down something that happened with an ex. The first week that me and nick started going out, I was obliged to go on a 3 day holiday with my ex. He had already booked tix etc. Nick wasnt happy about this, but I told him he could trust me. I didnt cheat on him, but I did have my ex kiss me on the lips, no tongue, but kind of slow and you know... Its messing with me. It happened a long time ago, and I'm trying to convince myself it didnt happen. I feel terrible. Should I tell nick? He wouldnt dump me, but he would be upset?

This is so trivial... I apologise about that
cheers