lessons, my song lyrics and randomness

There are a number of things I have learnt in the past week or so, which may come in handy:

• Murphys law has some ironic truth about it
• NEVER use depilitory cream on your nether-regions or you will be in agony for days on end
• You don't know what love is until it hits you smack bang in the head, and you can no longer think about anyone else. It is unpredictable, and somewhat cruel
• Don't fall asleep with a bowl of sweet chili sauce inyour bed
• You cannot rely on the sydney train system to get you anywhere on time
• You might as well admit to stuff even if you didnt do it, because nobody will believe you if you deny it
• Drinking passion pop or goon (cask wine) may seem like a good idea at the time as it is inexpensive- but you will regret it the next morning
• If you work at a nursing home, make sure you knock before you enter people's rooms, as it is not pleasant to walk in on a 90 year old "beating his meat"
• Myspace remains better than facebook
• Make sure you eat your moneys worth at a buffet, but not so much that you can't stand up
• Im sure there are alot more- but I cant think of them right now

I have some song lyrics I wrote... What do you think?

LITTLE GIRL

Hey little girl wipe your blood-shot eyes
You’re hiding behind all those delicate lies.
Hey little girl I have so much to say
But you said it already before you walked away

And I hope that you’ll be home soon
And I hope it’s not too late
But the sunsets amber and your heart is blue
And if I scream then maybe you’ll wake

‘Cos it’s cold outside
And its lonely when you don’t know yourself
But you talk to the people you create in your mind
In a hope that you’ll leave all your baggage behind
And little girl can I see you again?
Maybe in spring when you can rise my friend
But you wake
And you bleed
And you curse
And you feed
On the promise that life will turn around and scream
I was wrong to leave you hangin’
& I was wrong to forget you’re name
& a chance to see you lick you’re wounds
Is a chance that you’ll soon be sane

My little girl, my little porcelain bride,
You’re mascara is running, and you’re shoes are untied,
When the noose hold you up, you’re stone heart holds you down,
And I’m beginning to wonder if I should just let you drown.

Cos you’re vomiting blood, and you’re bleeding champaigne,
And you’re scarlet lips smudge as you stand in the rain,
And you’re holding the ring, and you’re holding the gun
And I’m holding you’re womb which is holding you’re son.


I was wrong to leave you hangin’
& I was wrong to forget you’re name
& a chance to see you lick you’re wounds
Is a chance that you’ll soon be sane

Little girl, let me read you’re mind,
Let me look at the shadows that you’re leaving behind,
Let me feast on you’re memories, let me savour you’re tears,
Let me consume all you’re passion, let me swallow your fears


You’re lying dead still in a bone white gown,
And you’re high as the stars though you’re six foot down,
And the wooden casket, and the “would have beens”
Are no competition for the way we dreamed

Its a work in progress at the moment.. any suggestions??

This is my best friend in the world, Clare, and me. (she's the blonde one). She is absolutely amazing, and I don't know what I would do without her. I never really had a best friend until I met Clare. Everyone liked being around me for short periods of time, but I was too ADD to be more to people than just a novalty. But Clare is different. We wouldn't be the same without each other. I love this girl to bits and I hate to see her have to fight to want to live.

Life, art and the other thing

(I named this post after a piece by one of my favourite artists, Brett Whiteley. I urge you to check him out, because he is one of the most facinating artists of all time. The late Brett Whiteley, was a sydney based artist, who has explored so many aspects of identity through his pieces. He ended up dyeing of a heroin overdose, but left behind so many amazing pieces. )

I had a psyche appointment last night. I hate the way they just sit there and pretend to care, nodding their head, while i know too well that all they give a shit about is the $200 they will recieve after listening to you blab on for an hour about you're life. Sometimes, they will ask the predictable question "so... how do you feel about that" or "phillipa... do you know why you're here?". I guess thats their job, but really, their empathy is as fake as Lindsay Lohan's breasts. It shits me. Why is it, that every time I visit soebody "to help me", I end up leaving fealing like a circus freak?

Well, I'm on school holidays as of today. Well, not officially, its everybody else's last day at school today, but I took the day off, so that I could work this afternoon. I work at a nursing home. Im training to become a nurse, and this is a good way to start. I do nursing there, but I havnt got any tertiary qualifications yet. The pay is great, but the job is a bit confronting. Pretty much, I have to shower 90 year old women, and clean up their poo. I have decided that I really don't want to live past my used by date. Its so sad seeing bed-bound people, and people who suffer from dimensia, who go lookng for their husbands etc, who happened to pass away years ago. Some of them, who'se partners are alive, cant remember who their parners are. Its so sad to watch. But my job is pretty fulfilling, and it has helped me to mature alot.

NOTE TO READER: *boy troubles- feel free to skip this paragraph, as it may sound petty*

I have a question. Is this unusual? My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 4 months. I always had really strong feelings for him, but never appreciated him as much as i should have. Then, all of a sudden, we were dancing together, and I burst out into tears. I realised I loved him, and it was so sudden. It was so wierd, because on my medication, I usually find it impossible to express any emotion. Then, he went away to newcastle, and I unknowingly took on the role of snooping girlfriend. :S I looked at his myspace comments and found a number of comments from this one girl, saying things such as "You are such a hotty, I so want to rape you" etc etc. I found out this girl has a past with my boyfriend, and It made me all jealous. So I checked out her myspace, and there are similar comments from him to her. I spoke to him about it and said it was just to boost her self esteem, but I may be over-reacting, but I know that if i did that to another guy he would go psycho. He is over-protective and doesn't trust me, so its a bit hipocrytical. I wouldnt have cared earlier, but this past week, I have suddenly grown to love him so much, and I burst into tears every night thinking about him. Im so confused.

*start reading again*

I feel bad. I told nick I had given up smoking, but I had one on Wednesday. I lied to him and said I didnt. Should I admit to stuff like that, knowing he will over-react, or, should I just keep the "what he doesnt know wont hurt him" philosophy. ??
Talking about hiding things, I have been playing down something that happened with an ex. The first week that me and nick started going out, I was obliged to go on a 3 day holiday with my ex. He had already booked tix etc. Nick wasnt happy about this, but I told him he could trust me. I didnt cheat on him, but I did have my ex kiss me on the lips, no tongue, but kind of slow and you know... Its messing with me. It happened a long time ago, and I'm trying to convince myself it didnt happen. I feel terrible. Should I tell nick? He wouldnt dump me, but he would be upset?

This is so trivial... I apologise about that
cheers

rants

I am in art at the moment. Year 11. Just messing around on the computer because I decided to drop it for year 12. It isnt that I dont like art, its just, that as a school subject it is much too subjective. I have what people would class as alternative perception, and it really isnt appreciated. Plus, my manic moods, mean that I can't stay inspired with a year long major work, because my mind is everywhere. Art to me is an expression of emotion, but considering my emotions change every minute, its hard to concerntrate on an individual, tangable expression, when it soon becomes inexistant, and is rapidly replaced by other emotions.

A little bit upset. At lunch today, an "apparently perfect" christian girl questioned my choice on studying religion next year. The comment "Why are you doing religion, i mean you're so not religious?" In reply, i said I was actually buddist, and the comment in response was "No your not!" I guess its hard having to justify your lifestyle to people, and the fact that her comment was based on her opinion of my morality, I was slightly cut. Then I got the "so i assume you dont drink then.." comment. In reply, I said, i do not have an overwhealming desire for alcohol, but, i will have a drink once in a while. Therefore, people jumped to the conclusion that I wasn't really a buddhist. Ignorance is a struggle, as my claim that buddism doesnt dis-allow drinking, but merely dis-courages it, as intoxication can lead to the implementation of negative activities. But... none the less, they refused to accept my buddhist beliefs... But of coarse its ok to accept that a mob of celebrities converted to Kaballa, in no way as a publicity stunt, but because they genuinely appreciated the religion.

Today I "borrowed" the bag of soap from the soap dispenser in the school bathrooms, just for shits and giggles. It looks remotely like a pink goonbag... (example of ADHD)

I am pleased to know that I have one reader on my blog. :) .. just thought I'd let you know.

Another post later tonight.
Cheers
xox

Back home

I just got home from dinner with the parents. We went to this satay restaurant. Surprisingly enough, i got to eat satay, which was exciting :D I also ordered my favourite tofu vegie stirfry. Nick is coming to visit me in about half an hour. OMG i feel sick in the stomach all of a sudden. TOODLES

misery

Im so sad. Nick went to the footy and all my mates are saly unavailable... so i'm stuck dining with the family

long and surprisingly exciting background story

Me: (irrelivant) brown hair; 172cm; 17 years old; blue eyes, 53kg
(relevant) go to a fucking private girls school, continually fight with anybody who thinks that they are authoritative, love music, love art, "severely ADHD", "depressed"- but who knows these days?... every second person claims to suffer from it, spend my time doing pointless stuff like blogging.

2007 in a nutshell- Started the year off alright. I was going out with a guy called Joel (mum said she cant believe i had such low standards. she said to me she thought he looked like he had down syndrome or something....:S) , who I was pretty head over heels for, but then he didnt really give a shit about me. He dealt drugs pretty hardcore, and it was the cracking point when he sent his last $10 on a packet of cigarettes instead of a valentines card for me... i put in alot of effort, but it was all ok, because he did give me a piece of torn up notepaper from an exercise book saying "happy valentines day". :S we ended up sorting that out but then when we were going through a rough patch I cheated on him. Couldnt handle the guilt so I fessed up. And anyway, when somebody tells you that they love you, how do you know they love YOU as well as the YOU that is hiding all the secrets. So yeah, that was the end of that.

By this time, I had been shipped off to boarding school in the north shore. it was pretty fucked, because I already lived like ten minutes away from the school, but the folks thought it would be a good idea. So I had a slightly rocky first term, got suspended a few times, for giving away ritalin, drinking, smoking and calling the boarding mistress a bitch. My room-mate was a hardcore brown noser. Not to me, but to the house mistress. Constantly dobbing on me and accusing me of doing cocaine. I havnt actually touched the stuff, but whatever. I think I got on her bad side, when I had a smoke out the window of our room on the first day. I kinda left the room smelling like smoke for about a week. :S WHOOPS! But anyway, boarding school was shit. Full of bloody bogans. The girls were all from the country and unless it had to do with agriculture, they wouldnt listen to you. I had some awesome non boarding friends at school, and also used to hand out at the "gazebo" at the local park. They offered me the acceptance I was after. Every afternoon when all the boarders were at "Ag club", I'd go down and have a few durries with the gazebo bums. It was the favourite part of my day, and I could actually relax. I was smoking dunhil blues, before I converted to winfield reds. They are fucking potant. I went through a bit of a slutty stage, and became fuck buddies with a mate of mine from the gazebo. We would sneak out from our boarding schools each night, and "relieve our sexual tension". He was pretty hot. A bit skinny though. To this day we are still really good friends. He is the typical aussie bloke. Wife beater singlet, and cantubry shorts. He had blonde hair and really blue eyes. Average size dick, but he knew how to work it. Then I had sex with another guy from the same school, but we will forget about that... and pretend it never happened *cough* polish guy with massive cock *uncough*

I could go on about emo shit like cutting etc, but its really boring, considering everybody claims to do it. So i'll just leave you knowing that I have a number of scars that I haveto cover with concealer.

I met my best friend that term. Her name was and still is Clare. I love her to bits. Shes the hottest chick ever and we are inseperable. Blonde hair, blue eyes, awesome body, nose ring, etc etc. If i was a lesbian, id so marry her haha. ... wait, is that even legal? Well, we have the same sense of humor. We can tell what each other will say, before we say it. We cry, laugh and smile together. I love her so much!

Oh and later that term, i started going out with a guy called john. Good looking, sporty, rich, smart etc etc... I just for some reason wasnt attracted to him i realised. He used to tell me he loved me every day. He was so cute, and would buy me chanel perfume, flowers, take me out to expensive restaurants etc. Sounds perfect, but the chemistry wasnt there. Hes so sweet and we are still good friends, but it just didnt work out. It lasted 4 months, but I had to break it off. It wasnt fair on either of us. I went on holidays with his family during that school holidays. I had fun, but hey, its in the past.

School started back 2 weeks later, and I returned to the morbidly depressive bounds of the boarding school. First night back I decided to start back where I left off, and sneak out to hang with my fuck buddy, who was no longer my fuck buddy because at this stage I was still going out with John. So we met up at the gazebo, and there was already a group of guys there. We started chatting and they seemed pretty cool. They offered to take us for a drive in their convertable (or more truthfully, their mums convertable) We were setting off fireworks and throwing them out the window. It was mad fun, until I get a text from my room-mate saying that I have been caught not in my bed. SHIT was my immediate reaction. I had to get back so we sped home.

That was the night that my life changed. At 100km and hour, we ran ito a telegraph pole. Next thing I know there are sirens everywhere, and i am being dragged by my fuck buddy/ mate out of the car. I felt that my lip had been torn in half, and it was flapping around, and that i couldnt move my neck. I was carried into an ambulence, and sent off to emergancy at the hospital. I was put in a neckbrace, and all I remember is the head of boarding staring over me, looking at me covered in blood and shaking her head. I was panicking. I couldnt feel myself in pain... I think it was the adrenalin. But what had happened to the rest of the people in the car. Looking at the remains, it was completely wrapped around a telegraph pole, with a whole tree on the roof, which had torn through the soft top. I was screwed. I got so many painkillers injected into me that I was numb. But all I could think about was my mate. Where was he? I ket repeatingi to the ambo driver. I got a text from him saying he was at back at his school and didnt want to get caught. But I knew the crash was nasty, and I didnt want him to have any internal injuries. So I told him to get his ass out of school, and I told the ambo where he was. I hated the neck brace. It was so restrictive. I punched a nurse who told me I couldnt move until the xrays on my neck came back. I dont even remember getting xrays, but I must have. I was having a panic attack and felt claustrophobic... I slept until the next day. I woke u and mum was next to me in tears. Under local anasthetic, a plastic surgeon sewed my lip back together. It was so swollen, but it eventually healed. Its going to scar me for life, but I guess it taught me about the important things. I was told numerous times I was lucky to be alive. The ambos later told me that nobody had died, and they couldnt believe it considering how bad the accident was.

I had to testify to the cops later, turns out the driver was driving unlicenced, under the influence of alchohol, under the influence of weed, and also got charged with grand theft auto (his parents charged him for insurance purposes)

That was the end of boarding school. I was officially expelled. A fewweeks later i came down with a bad case of glandular fever, and spent weeks off school. During that time, I met a guy called Nick on a bus trip home from a friends house. turns out he lived really close to me... we ended up going out later and are still together. (100 days yesterday) I think he's the one.

I went through the angsty teenager stage and left home, living with friends, and spendidng time on the streets in the city. I tried my first bong and had a really bad experience. After 4 cones, i was thinking that my own mouth was trying to eat me. Eventually my parents found me and i went home. Life has been pretty uneventful since then, but its only been a few months.

I quit smoking. SO HARD. I still crave, but its alot easier for me now. Im under control :D I just had exams, and I did well in english, maths and art, but bummed out on business studies. Its only year 11 though so it doesnt really matter. Thats my year in a nutshell, so yeah, tune in again soon. My next few blogs will be more analysing. And my "alternate" view on random shit. Im so sick of talking about me. Its so monotonous.